There was a period in my life when drawing was a passion of mine. Armed with a piece of paper and a pencil, I would spend hours drawing assorted pieces. Then one day, I stopped. At a certain point, I could no longer find it in me to just let the pencil go where it needed to. Instead of a blank canvas being an opportunity to explore, it became an insurmountable obstacle. I haven’t drawn anything in earnest since.
There was also a period in my life where making hip-hop beats was a passion of mine. If you’ve ever listened to The Recurring Bosscast, then you’ve heard a few of the 100+ beats I created during my run. Though the process was never easy – especially since I was never formally trained in music – I honed my craft to the point where I was really proud of the jams I created. But just like my penchant for drawing, my ability to just go with it disappeared. Instead, I’d sit in front of FL Studio, making a lot of noise, while not piecing anything together to form a composition. I haven’t created any new music in years.
What happened?
I can’t really remember what happened to my drawing skills, since that was so many years ago, but I do remember how my music died. As I got better, my expectations rose higher and higher. At a certain point, I had a vision of creating an instrumental album inspired by Endtroducing by DJ Shadow. For years, I’ve tried to create music that I felt could one day end up on that dream album, but nothing came out right. It got to the point where I couldn’t even compose a single bar of music that I was happy with. As recently as a few days ago, I’ve noodled around with FL Studio on my iPhone and still can’t make anything that I can be proud of.
I’m cognizant of the fact that this is all in my head. Whether my creative output is good or not, I should be able to at least complete a project with the skills and passion that I have. Instead, I suffer from seemingly perpetual writer’s block, and I don’t know how to fix it.
At this point, I’m not overly heartbroken by the loss of my drawing ability. However, I’m still really bummed about not being able to create my dream album. It would mean to world to me if I could pull it off, but alas, I’m stuck on square one years after the fact. Maybe my creative drive went elsewhere. Though I don’t consider what I do on this blog to be more of a personal release more than anything, it definitely is a form of creative expression. Also, since I stopped creating music in FL Studio, I’ve learned how to play the drums, bass and guitar. While playing instruments and creating music aren’t necessarily the same thing, maybe that’s the path I should have taken all along.
Or maybe it isn’t. Some day, I want to believe that I’ll get my groove back and get this done. Till then, I’ll continue struggling in FL Studio until something sticks.
In Third Person 